Passing Bribes and Becoming a Multi-millionaire: Vietnam, 2003

First, let’s get the Multi-millionaire thing out of the way. I became a multi-millionaire in another country’s currency for the second time in my life in Vietnam. It’s a fun thing to say, but does not mean a whole lot when you consider that $100 U.S. means 10,000 Japanese Yen, or 1.5 million Vietnamese Dong. Because of an exchange snafu when one office did not have any American money, I was at one moment (and I have pictures of this), holding 5 million Dong in my hand.

That is not what this email is about, although having some extra money in cash certainly helped the situation I am about to tell you about. After 10 days in Vietnam, my brother Mark and I headed to the airport in a taxi van feeling enriched by our new knowledge and experience, and happy with the treasures amassed in our backpacks, including sunglasses, suits, books, and movies on DVD, all masterfully copied in some way and sold at fractions of their Western-World Prices in Southeast Asia markets. Our flight back to Japan was about 90 minutes away, and we had experienced no robberies, pickpockets, or stickups, and had no reason to believe everything would go anything but smoothly.

Not two minutes into the airport, an airport official beckoned me over to the corner where she was inspecting the bags of us Fingerhut boys. Mark’s luggage had sailed through with no red flags, but something held her attention in my bag. Confident in my packing and our judgment, I approached her nonchalantly. “These DVD’s don’t have stamps on them,” she said, as she held the plastic bag holding about a half dozen movies we had bought the night before, and placed in my bag randomly.

“What stamps?” I asked.

“The government requires stamps for these, so they know that there are not other movies on the discs, bad movies that you could get in trouble for, and they could keep you here,” she explained.

My heartbeat quickened, I felt my temperature rise, and a million thoughts flooded my mind. I was disappointed that we wasted about 2 hours making sure these movies were legit, then haggling with the peddler for the price. These were going to entertain us for the next month or so, at least. Then I heard her say “government” and I nervously pictured the images in various movies and books depicting Southeast Asia officials and the suffering of foreigners busted for crimes on their vacation, treated brutally with no access to the outside world. I felt some frustration for not being prepared for this. I could name several friends off the top of my head that had brought cheap discs home from Vietnam with no report of a problem like this, and no guidebook or store mentioned anything either.

Then I looked to my brother, about 10 feet away, who transformed the moment completely. Mark looked at me with a look of confidence that said, “Get down to business,” and held up his left hand, flashed a few bills of Vietnamese currency, and put his hand back in his pocket.
I saw the light, and immediately changed from a timid, frustrated, and confused tourist to a confident, sly, Bruce Willis-type action hero who could handle this sort of situation. Hey, I used to sell knives, didn’t I? Certainly, I could get out of this Asian country with the “contraband” I wanted.

I considered what exactly was going on here, flashing back to a book my Mom included in last year’s birthday or Christmas mail. She sent a 2002 calendar, entitled “The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook.” Coincidentally, a friend of mine had this same book at his house about a month ago. The authors of these wonderful books have gathered information not only from travelers and their own experiences, but interviews with stunt men, doctors, and experts on various matters, and put together an amusing, if not educational, book of ideas. To give you an idea, you can read about How to Escape Getting Tied Up, How to Jump from a Moving Train, How to Get Out of being Tied Up, How to Get Out of a Car Dangling Over a Cliff, and most importantly, How to Pass A Bribe. I thought the concept of these books were brilliant, and I have read almost every scenario not with passing interest, but with the concentrated anticipation of being faced with these situations (I will forever be a boy playing with my Legos and G.I. Joes in my backyard, what can I say?). The information stuck. Plus, a small section in a guidebook dealt specifically with bribing officials in Vietnam.

The pointers I culled from memory were that in Vietnam, you might get hassled over something very minor, but given the impression it is a major concern, because the officials know you have a lot of money (supposedly as a rich, vacationing foreigner) along with a lack of knowledge about your rights and the laws of that country. You are supposed to stay calm, take your “violation” seriously, inconspicuously offer something of value to the official, monetary or otherwise. Also, you are supposed to handle it quickly, because the presence of other officials approaching gives you that many more people to “take care of.” The books gave the example of getting hassled over transporting wine or other alcohol. If you have 5 bottles, ask if it would be acceptable to proceed with only 4 bottles. Or ask the official if it would be possible to just give him the fees to handle the matter rather than go through the trouble of other bosses or other levels.

With these tips in my head, I knew this was a situation for a bribe and did some calculations. We had only spent about $1 on these discs, and I did not want to get up to $4 or $5, but I wanted to get them back to Japan. I mentally calculated how much money I had (at the time, all I had was Japanese Yen). I came up with a strategy, positioned myself next to her so as to shield this little transaction from other curious parties, and started talking.

“Could I buy the stamps from you right now?” I innocently asked.

She flipped through a small handful of DVDs, looking concerned, but not surprised. “How much can you pay?” she asked matter-of-factly. So we were definitely dealing with a bribery situation. I did not want to start off too high, but I also did not want to lowball her and risk confiscation or other unknown punishment.

“I have 15,000 Japanese Yen, which is about $130 U.S. dollars,” I said, which was pretty accurate.

She hesitated, and continued to stare at the discs in her hand. Curiously, she was stuck on the three discs of the “Back To The Future” trilogy. The thought occurred to me to offer her one or all three, but there was no way I would let Doc and Marty McFly be unjustly taken from my possession without a fight.

“So, 50,000 Yen?” she tried to confirm, either as a hint or genuine confusion.

“No, not 50,000, I said 15,000 Japanese Yen,” I corrected her.

With a little more hesitation, I figured I needed to go up, so I sucked in some air, pretended to be really strained, reached into my wallet and pulled out two notes of Yen.

“All I can pay you is 20,000 Japanese Yen, which is $180 U.S.,” I said, discreetly inflating the currency rate and underreporting the amount of money in my pocket.

She looked at the wall for a second, probably calculating how many shrimp dinners this could get her, and said, “Okay.”

Elation and relief hit me simultaneously, and as I packed my bag and recounted the story to Mark, I knew I had just lived through a great story to share. We checked in for our flight, and I realized how exhausted I was; I completely zonked out until we boarded, and headed for home with a new movie collection that had just been paid for.

Again.